How I became a bastard child in exactly 1 day.

I'm a Jew.

Matrilineally more than religiously. For those of you, who like me before a couple years ago, have never heard the word "matrilineally" it means that because my Mom was born Jewish, I (and my sister) are born Jewish.

My Mom grew up Presbytarian in St. Petersburg, Florida with her mother and adoptive father. Her mother's maiden name was Reich (in an attempt to quickly assimilate, my great grandparents who hailed from Austria pronounced it "Rich" when they arrived on Ellis Island). She grew up Schaefer, and eventually took my father's last name, Johnson. By the time I could speak and understand English, there wasn't a hint of Jew in my household. So I grew up "outside of the tribe" only to discover as an adult what it means to be a matrilineal Jew. Perhaps you are too.

My immediate family did not grow up with religion in our household. As I mentioned my Mom was raised Presbytarian; my Dad was raised southern Baptist. My only real memory of church was weddings, funerals and one Easter service that I attended with my Dad's mom ("Nanny") that was televised by the local TV channel in Thomasville, Georgia (a very funny story I'll write down some day). This all changed when my parents divorced, my mom remarried a f**king lunatic sociopathic architect, and they dually began their ascent into the social circle of what I liked to call "Yuppie Church" in the late 80's Washington, DC suburbs. Suddenly, as if by a miracle, my mother discovered GOD. She and my "stepdad" (for lack of a better or more rude name) started attending some sort of non-denominational church where they could rub shoulders with the who's who of the DC political and real estate communities. I'm certain they were experiencing profound awakenings thanks to the teachings of Jesus Christ.

I wasn't a bastard yet.

The 80's ended, as did the 'yuppie' era and my mom's second marriage. It wasn't until her third marriage (to an equally savory man as the second) that she discovered Catholicism. This discovery began my descent into bastardism. You see, the Catholics have a very special relationship with GOD, one that involves lots of rituals and tariffs. One of the tariffs happens between divorced couples and their parish. Because divorces must be officially annulled by the church the annulment becomes one more way in which parishioners and priests can profit. My mother's husband's ex-wife decided that she wanted some exorbitant amount of money or she would not grant said annulment. Meanwhile, my mom "just fell in love" with the rituals and likely the social connections granted in her *new* church. Her Catholic church. In a feat of what most recovering Catholics would consider pure insanity and sadism, my mother at the age of 55 years old, CONVERTED to Catholicism.

No big deal for me, as I never accompanied her to church one way or another. I was too busy listening to that light in all of our hearts that guides us through an innate sense of love and righteousness. Until... I discovered that I was in fact a non-existent entity in my mother's new Catholic reality. Because her husband didn't receive an annulment for his past marriage, their wedding was not recognized by the Catholic church and thus she was unable (and still is not allowed) to take communion.

Being a non-religious Jew, this shouldn't really make a difference to me. However, in the context of my mother's many "issues", it serves as one mere example of how narcissism has ruled her life's choices and how I'm simply an object to her - an extension if you will - of her ego, not a REAL child. I am, in a word, a bastard.