Guilt is, of course, completely ingrained in Jewish mothers - even Catholic converts. However, for the NarcMom, guilt is a tool that while widely used is seldom consciously recognized. In other words, she doesn't realize that she's using guilt to try and yield a result.
Take the impending birth of my first bio-daughter for example. As I mentioned before, I have tried to set a boundary with Mom to limit our communique to email - no phone calls. So I get this email about her friend who's also a doctor or something like that - she's having her 3rd child and her OB has already discovered that the boy will have heart problems and is going to have to endure surgery upon birth. She then goes on to talk about how tragic it is, and how lucky I should consider myself, and how witnessing the birth of our daughter will "give me religion."
What's guilt-laden about that? Well, in this case, it's buried nicely between the story and something along the lines of "I can't wait to see my new granddaughter," which she knows intrinsically may not happen if we don't sort out some of our 'issues'. It's as if, by personifying someone else's suffering, she wants to guilt me into not holding any grudges with her due to the fact that you know, life is too short and what if your daughter was going to be born in tragic circumstances - then would you really have the energy to find something 'wrong' with me? So focus on this tragedy and feel guilty about your limited contact with me and realize that I'm devastated by what you (I) am doing to me (her).
OK, so maybe I'm reading into it a bit too far. But there's something about the narcissist that in order to maintain that extension of themselves, will use any sort of grand tragedy or circumstance to try to regain a position of power when that power has been diffused. I'm certain my therapist could explain it more clearly, but I'm also certain that I'm heading in the right direction as I try to describe the dynamic. For example - my NarcMom and I had this falling out where I had to instill the boundary of email only. Well she was just "devastated" by my "pulling away" and immediately reverted to talking about how our relationship was so great when I was a kid. Context: I'm now a grandparent. Interestingly, her devastation was MY FAULT, because I DID THIS TO HER. I pulled the plug on her incessant phone calls and complete lack of empathy. What I pulled the plug on was being subjected to her objectification of me - making me the extension of herself, and failing to recognize that she continually fails to connect with me emotionally because she's too busy defining who I am to make her feel and look her best. But, it's MY FAULT that she's devastated.
I'm losing focus on this, so I'll return another time - but I'm certain that guilt will continue to play a vital role in my exploration of the parentified child and narcissistic parent.
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6 comments:
Well said... I mean if only you weren't such an a-hole to your mother maybe then she would love you more... ;-)
so true.
wow - that sounds like my mother (who I have not spoen to in a handful of years).
In ,my case, she watched some celebrity biography about an actress or actor who then died without reconnecting with their estranged child. She used this to say "See, life is short. You'll feel very guilty if I die tomorrow" She may have even said those words.
She was controlling, unloving and full of unpredictable rage. I am more stable and less anxious since I set my boundaries with her - which I could only do by leaving her entirely.
Grandchildren should not be the automatic property of these nasty parents. They should earn their way into the grandchildren's lives, if anything.
Great post. Again, you are, sadly, nowhere near alone on this.
this post is funny to me, because my baby was stillborn on her due date (not long before you actually wrote this post, 9.9.07)...and THAT tragedy is what tore the skin off the dynamic between me and my NPDmom. it was the tragedy which caused me to LOSE the energy it took to put up with her bullsh*t.
I am ruining my Mom's life because I met, fell in love with and am engaged to an Australian Man. I'm happier than I've ever been now that I have some distance from her. Now she is going to my old shrink and telling her how I'm angry because I can't deal with the pain of seperation. I told my mother, "Mom, your children are on loan to you for a while, you don't own them," to which she replied, "That's such bullshit! You are a part of me an always will be." I'm so glad we decided to have the wedding in Aus so she can't make it all about her.
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