So I finally make the opportunity to email about the persistent phone calls after receiving another one today. I try to COMMUNICATE clearly that the boundary I requested is not being respected. Her only response (at least by email) is that email doesn't allow her to communicate her emotions and she misses and loves me.
So would that emotion that needs to be expressed possibly be... mmmm i dunno - GUILT!?!
Rule #1 (perhaps there will be more of these rules, a la the Transporter): Never try and reason with a narcissist because they are unreasonable.
Rule #2: You are wrong, the narcissist is right. Get over it.
Rule #3: Narcissists don't get 'hurt feelings' they get 'devastated', and it's all your fault.
Rule #4: You are an extension of the narcissists person; you are an OBJECT.
Rule #5: You are still wrong.
The constant, or recurring, question to my therapist: Why bother?
I'm still not certain that the answer of "because she is a part of you, and writing her out of your life will cause turmoil and a 'split' within yourself" is enough. Let's face it, I've spent nearly 4 decades with her IN my life - so perhaps absence would make the recovering parentified child of a narcissists heart grow fonder? And if it didn't, well then halleh-fucking-lullah... problem solved. That's the kind of self help I can live with :-)
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12 comments:
So you know my parents then?!
Seriously, I love your rules. I've managed to get to the age of 28 without being right once.
And I totally empathise with your indecision about whether to cut off relations. I still see my parents occasionally, and my therapist always knows when I'm about to see them from the change in my mood ... I'm still working on the if-I-detach-emotionally-then-it'll-be-OK scenario, but actually I think I'm going to have to take the plunge sooner or later. No matter how grown-up and emotionally centred I can make myself, it can't be good to spend time with people who refuse to know I exist. Hmmm.
Good luck with the emailed communication!
I am having a hard time seeing how a therapist could justify you hurting yourself over and over. Our first rule is to do no harm and every contact you have with them is harming you. I loved your rules so much that I put them on my blog and will be giving you credit shortly now that I have found your blog. Do read my blog at www.brighterdays4you.blogspot.com
Tracy Thompson Tormaschy, LPCC, NCC
www.brighterdays4you.com
I'm at a similar stage although my decision includes my brother aswell. He reacted to the stress of growing up in our family by developing narcissitic qualities himself and can identify with my mother. I have cut off any form of communication with my mother other than letter at several times through the last few years. In the past I used to hold on to the idea that she may change and perhaps combined with guilt that was the reason i kept getting back in regular communication. I'm starting to wonder now whether thats the best idea as I never feel better when I communicate with her and generally feel worse.
I don't buy into the "because shes part of you". What does it even mean ? It sounds like a statement to keep those fuzzy boundaries going, both metaphorically and literally. Or perhaps its an expression of your therapists own guilt when perceiving himself as contributing to breaking your family apart. Perhaps you need another therapists viewpoint ? I presume you've read "Toxic parent" by Susan Forward.I think she suggests setting out boundaries and rules and if the parent refuses to follow them and it causes too much distress then get rid. If your choice to keep in touch hasn't worked up to now and is affecting your mood too much then maybe thats an indication that it isn't the right choice.
In terms of communication at the moment I generally follow the rule that less is better although I occasionally enjoy analysing an email or two from her and relating back her discrepancies. Have you ever had a long rant to your mother about her behaviour? By that I mean haveyou really got angry ie.communicated some of the cruelty you've been subjected to? Personally I find this cathartic.
I love rule #3 and 5 too.
I have a narc mom, I broke away from her in November 2004. I had the audacity to let her know that she hurts my son's feelings!! Her only grandchild BTW. Well did she go into a huge narc mom rage!
I discovered NPD just two weeks later, what a huge relief!!I always thought it was me!!
I am soooooooo glad that I am the exact opposite of her. These are truly sick people. They disgust me. My brother is also a narc, he was the favored child. I do not speak to any family members anymore, it is much healthier this way.
Love your site!
Elizabeth
I agree with the suggestions in Susan Forward's book and the comment questioning your therapist advice(posted by Stuart). It doesn't sound like your therapist is a good fit. He/She may not fully understand NPD, or ironically may lack empathy themselves and is giving you advice based on faulty insight/information. NPD is on the rise, which means we do need to learn a variety of coping skills in order to deal with the general pubic, work peers, parents of our friend's children, neighbors etc. And I understand it is key to not play the victim or allow others to take away our joy etc. However, this should not be confused with allowing a toxic person into our private space. That, in my opinion, is sacred and everyone deserves a place of solace. I find it's hard to have that when you allow toxic people in too close. They will poison you. Try setting boundaries, try humor (hard, I know!!) but if all else fails...your sanity, mental health, and self-esteem are more important than guilt. These are sick people we are talking about granted...but let's get honest about the fact that these people are also adults and what NPD is. Typically, these people do not ever change. It doesn't have to be our problem or burden for a lifetime. Good luck...
Very funny! I hope you blog again; someone sent this to me recently, and, lemme tell you, you have lots of company!
The rules are spot on, and, having not spoken to either of my parents in five years, I can tell you that you will not necessarily have a "split." However, lots of therapy is required, or at least was for me, in order to work the relationships out. Simply cutting off the relationship doesn't solve much, as one has imbibed much of one's parents (superego, anyone?), so, if it's merely an escape, it won't do.
Let me just give you a few of the perks... I recently 'cut off' my Narcissistic Mother when she flew across the country, when we happened to be out of the country, to meet with my husbands Mother! She did this to 'discuss ways they could help us achieve our goals'. I am 28, and work in Marketing. My husband is getting ready to enter a Masters program... 32yrs old. We are financially independent , but she needed some attention. Instead of being happy for us, for me, she made it about her, AGAIN. So, I cut ties. Yes, the guilt is BAD for the first 3 days, but I swear... I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I feel like dancing! Luckily I have an amazing sis in med school who would let me know if anything was seriously wrong with our mom... but until then... Do it! Make the cut! I feel like I am finally figuring out WHO I AM for the first time! This freedom is worth it!
I would just like to comment on Dougs post which reads "simply cutting off doesn't solve much". I would disagree with this comment however I think each persons situation is different. If someone is causing you grief then not having them in your life effectively removes much of the grief associated. I have been estranged from my mother now for over 4 years and frankly don't ever intend to re-engage her.I have never felt better for it and wish I had done it 18 years ago. I didn't do it earlier mainly because of guilt and also some vain hope she would change.
In terms of solving anything if you mean it doesn't help your mother develop better behaviour and improve your relationship then you would be correct. However a common characteristic of the narcissist is that they believe there is no reason to change and it may be an impossible task. I have come to the conclusion that my mother is incapable of change and do not believe there is a point that can be reached in our relationship that would be preferable to estrangement. I am now much happier, meaning I don't spend days/weeks after seeing/speaking to her feeling angry or upset. I now have more energy to concentrate on those who deserve it. I would certainly not dismiss the idea of estrangement and it is often the right choice for some
It may not be for everyone especially as it may mean an unacceptable feeling of guilt.
Wow, this is like reading my own blog! I'm currently considering cutting way back on contact or potentially severing ties, so your blog post hit home. I can think of so many reasons that it might not be a good idea, mostly guilt, but some valid reasons. However, when I really think about what I could gain, it's starting to look pretty appealing. Good luck with your journey, I hope things get easier/better for you and keep us posted, we are all rooting for you.
It's actually been a couple years since I posted anything on this blog. Turned out "drastic measures" yielded mostly pleasant results.
Having another child along the way may have also played a role; particularly because if we didn't reach a working understanding there was going to be no exposing our newborn daughter to narc behaviors. Unfair to her and our whole family.
Physical distance has increased but our relationship in general has improved as we all seem to be oriented toward being the best people possible for our children (grandchildren) - with the understanding that NO-BODY is an extension of the narcMom's self-appointed station in the world.
My therapist, who had his own personal dealings with his wife's narcMom had always encouraged some connection rather than just totally bailing. Boundaries, not banishment. Not for her, for me and my peace of mind. I didn't understand that at the time, but in retrospect I'm beginning to see the positive changes in not just cutting off completely.
No less of a struggle, and we never do get to choose our family, but they still remain this fabric that defined the foundational years of our lives.
I just found your site. Did my subconscious write a blog without telling me? oh I'll be back. You bet I will!
"could that emotion be ... GUILT?"
LOLOLOLOLOL!
Right on.
I've only just found your Blog and although I shouldn't really say I'm happy but to know that I'm not alone with this is good...simply good!
My Mum who I now call just 'Elaine' she doesn't deserve title of Mum, is an evil, nightmare. I've been having NO contact or as little as I can for the last year, only recently she set up a fake facebook account, as a women called Angela Green - my sister and I caught her out - I have NO idea why she plays what can only be described as abusive 'games'. She was 'Spying' on my sister and I as a means to cause trouble. You can't trust her, you can't talk to her and if she can't find anything to make you miserable she'll create a drama. She has gone as far as putting herself in hospital!! She doesn't tell you why BUT you will find out!!!! Sounds harsh but I promise there is nothing wrong with her...she buys medical instruments online - blood pressure machines, hearing aids all sorts of nonsense!
Any way....keep writing I'll be reading! :D xx
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